Ok, my official job tittle is a "stay at home mum". Some think it is easy. The dream that we all envisage. Baking sweet cakes, singing nursery rhymes and attending play dates all with happy smiles and no tantrums. That is the dream. I have tried being a part time working mum so have dabbled at both.
I quit work when J turned 1 due to very un-family friendly company demanding non negotiable hours, wanting me to work my daughters 1st birthday, and the day before my "big" wedding, turning down my put in early holiday dates, but of course managers holidays take priority. Yes I am bitter at how I was treated, but I could vent and people would nod heads in reassurance.
Now I am a stay at home mum to two beautiful children. I know I should be lucky. I am lucky. We tried hard for S to make our family complete. However being a full time mum is hard work. Yes we had issues when S was a baby due to her kidney reflux and the many many times we ended up down the hospital and GP's. We coped with that. Again people would offer shoulders and hugs for reassurance and offer to look after J for those big hospital scary hospital tests.
Now they are older. At aged 5 and 3 I would think I would have learnt how to handle them by now. In fact this stage is the hardest of them all. With both being like different like chalk and cheese this means ALOT of arguing, every minute of every day. Not kidding.
J is a tell tale, anything S does wrong I am told about no matter how big or small. S is a whirlwind. No danger sense, no sentimental side, no calm and wanting to please side. The only way I can describe her is selfish. I know its a horrible way to describe a three year old, but she is. If something doesn't please her, she won't do it.
I've had a tough week with the girls this week and it kind of came to heads today. Both girls are tired and irritable and out of routine of school and nursery. S's behaviour has slowly deteriorated since leaving nursery for end of term. J is missing the structure. However I decided a nice small bike ride would be a nice idea as the sun is shining. It started off well....
It looks perfect doesn't it? Well it ended pretty much as soon as this picture was taken. S decided she didn't want to move her feet on the bike after all. J didn't want to take the bike back to the car. Argh! Ok! I decided to make it to the corner where we feed ducks and then turn back. The whole time trying to convince S to move her feet whilst she refused to even look at me. This is the norm, no biggy. What happened next almost broke me. On returning back to the car park. S still refusing to ride her bike (its a heavy one too!) J decides she cant ride or push her bike now either AND she needs the loo right now! She got louder and louder. People stared and just watched on as she got louder. I decided to try and wait her tantrum out. I sat myself down with S's bike and S whilst she screamed the place down. She refused to calm down. People carried on staring so I decided to take S's bike back to the car a few feet away so I had empty hands for J's bigger bike. I'm not super mum after all.
On walking back down from the car park a stranger had helped J up to the car park and S. S was now running around a busy car park as she got away from the lady into danger instead of the grass bank where I had left them. There was no words exchanged between myself and the stranger it was like she thought I was going to leave them. Like I was doing a bad job. No your doing great, just a look of "what the heck are you doing". I am broken. Its been tough. I am alone at the moment. And I am feeling it. The past few weeks its just been me and the girls and the odd few hours with Daddy M due to his studying. It happens every 6 months, but this has been the hardest.
Earlier during the week was another episode. S's bad behaviour this time. The type of bad behaviour that is constant. The climbing walls literally, along with drawing on them... yes we are still at that stage. No-one ever buy my daughter anything she can use on walls please! Jumping off furniture, running around, throwing toy boxes scratching her sister, and hair pulling. Oh and not to mention the climbing on people too. Yes this is normal child behaviour but it is constant. I seem to be telling her off more and more. We visited Wales at the start of the week for a nice mini-break. Unfortunately that did not go to plan. S turned into something possessed. She was hyper and her normal bad behaviour seemed to be amplified. So much so that after 90 minutes of trying to get her to sleep I gave up and brought them home.
So... yes there is bad times being a stay at home parent, and right now I am wishing I wasn't. I need a break. I need adult conversations, and something to do that isn't child related. Did I just have a bad company last time? Is going back to work the thing I need right now to stop hating my children right now? I know hate is a big word but I'm constantly shouting. Yes I have tried talking softly too but nothing works!! So right now I will be screaming my way through until bedtime..... and trying to remember the happier times with my children....